Tag Archives: baby

EAT Baby EAT (or Postpartum Depression SUCKS)

Ophelia arrived and we thought she was an easy baby. Easier than Declan, for sure! Then her two month appointment came around and we found out that she wasn’t gaining enough weight. In the two months since then, we’ve been back at the doctor’s at least every two weeks (and sometimes more) for weight checks. We’ve tried different formulas, different bottles, different nipples, and different positions. We’ve given her two different reflux medicines and probiotic drops. We’re working with an Occupational Therapist and talking about whether we need to see a GI specialist. We’ve tried fortifying the formula. We started solids early. The doctors are flummoxed and I am frustrated. The girl just does not want to eat. Every time we seem to be doing better and I start to feel hopeful, she plummets again. A slight fever or shots or congestion or a new person can send her spiraling downward and my mood right alongside. I was so excited to get through those first few weeks of baby blues without signs of the depression that I experienced with Declan, but it seems it was just waiting in the wings. Ugh.

Since I have not been able to persuade my sister (who has a 1-year-old and another one on the way) to travel 4,500 miles on 3 planes to come and save me from myself like she did the last time, I have started seeing a counselor for the first time ever. In our first visit it was just good to talk to someone who is being paid to listen. She gave me some tools and tips to try the next time I felt the darkness descending. While I am struggling to actually apply these while I am feeling sad, I think we’re off to a good start:

  • My biggest problem is dwelling on the negative. When Ophelia has a bad feed I immediately imagine all the worst possible scenarios. I focus on the unfairness of the situation and find myself dealing in absolutes – she’s never going to eat well again, we’re never going to get past this, I’m never going to be able to feed her in public or leave her with a babysitter (or even my husband, since she won’t eat for him!). One action to counter this is to focus on every positive thing that happens, no matter how small. I’ve been writing them down as they happen so that during a sad moment I can look back and hopefully recognize that things aren’t all bad. These can be directly about the issue at hand (Ophelia is hitting all of her developmental milestones and is a pretty happy baby; she loves solids so far and is really good at eating them for how young she is; she’s staying hydrated; she gained some weight), or can be about anything good at all (Declan pooped in the potty; we had a lovely Christmas as a family; I have super supportive colleagues).
  • I need to notice when I am placing expectations on Ophelia that result in disappointment when she fails to meet them. Instead of being upset and frustrated because she should have eaten 3oz but only ate 1, I need to change my language to “it would have been nice if she ate 3oz, but it’s okay that she didn’t.” This is a particularly hard one. Rational me knows that it’s absolutely fine if she has one bad feed, but irrational PPD me is angry that she isn’t eating as much as I want her to.
  • Related to that, I also need to stop making assumptions when I don’t have all the facts. One bad feed does not necessarily mean that the entire day will be bad. One bad day does not mean that she’ll never eat again. (Repeat and repeat again until I believe it.)
  • With all of these, I have found that it helps to have an external voice reinforce all of it since sad me does not listen to rational me. My husband struggles to deal with me on bad days and doesn’t know what to do, so recruiting him to be my voice of reassurance helps us both! He just repeats the same points – we’re focusing on wet diapers, she’s developing normally, she loves solids, etc., etc., – but it really helps to hear it spoken out loud by someone else.
  • The counselor also gave me some exercises to try when I feel overwhelmed – all designed to help me focus on physical sensations as a distraction from my emotions. These help if I can persuade myself to actually do them when needed!

Postpartum depression sucks. Or any kind of depression for that matter. If you haven’t suffered it then it is impossible to understand what someone is going through when they are in the midst of an attack. It’s not just about feeling sad. It’s about feeling so overwhelmed by sadness or anxiety or even anger that nothing else matters. It’s about knowing deep inside yourself that you are being completely irrational but being unable to stop. It’s imagining every possible worst case scenario and being absolutely convinced that they will all come true. It’s seeing yourself be horrible to those around you and being unable to stop. It’s not being able to see an end to the sadness and lacking the motivation to do anything that might help. It’s feeling overwhelmed, out of control, lost, alone.

I don’t really have a point to this post except that writing and sharing helps.

Here’s Ophelia happily eating solids to cheer us all up. Thanks for listening!



Oh Ophelia

Ophelia Rose arrived at 1.43pm on August 23 weighing 7lb 2oz! Her birth story could not be more different than Declan’s. At exactly 39 weeks, my alarm woke me for work at 6.15am. I hit the snooze. When it went again at 6.24am, I hit the snooze, rolled over, and felt my water break. I hadn’t felt a single contraction, so it was completely surreal to be telling Christian that I was in labor. I popped downstairs to tell my visiting parents that we were off to the hospital so they could get Declan up and get him to school, and we headed out. At the hospital, they confirmed I had indeed “grossly ruptured” and put me on a pitocin drip since I hadn’t yet felt a contraction. I was undecided about an epidural this time, since part of me feared that the epidural was to blame for Declan’s long delivery and the fluid in his lungs that sent him to the NICU.  By 5cm, however, I was at an 8 on the pain scale and all doubts went out the window – the epidural man was called. After that took effect, we waited for me to start “feeling pressure” which didn’t take long. The delivery cart arrived, the doctor was called, and I started getting extremely nervous. I started pushing and … seven minutes and three contractions later … she popped out! It was ridiculous! What was even more ridiculous is that they placed her on my chest and within minutes, I had her latched and breastfeeding! After the trauma (there really isn’t any better word for it) of Declan’s arrival and our major struggles with breastfeeding, it was a miracle. 

Two days later I’m sat in the hospital room, eating a brownie while Ophelia sleeps, and waiting for Christian to arrive so we can be discharged. The first night was simply awful. She fed and cried nonstop from 10.45pm until 4.30am. I finally called a nurse in tears after the bazillionth feeding to have them take her to the nursery so I could pass out for a couple of hours. The next day and night were much better. Nurses gave me tips to help make sure she has enough at each feed so that she shouldn’t want another one immediately. The lactation lady helped make sure we were getting the right latch. I took full advantage of the nursery overnight and got quite a bit of sleep. I know damn well there are many sleepless nights, zombie days, and emotional breakdowns to come in the weeks (months, years!) ahead of me, but goodness. I could not be more thankful for a quick delivery, NO NICU (yayyyyyy!), and the ability to breastfeed. Here’s to home, Netflix, and a proper cup of tea. Welcome to our crazy family, Ophelia!

Glasses for Declan!

Declan and I visited the optometrist today. We’ve been noticing for a few months now that he has a tendency to cross his eyes. Both eyes occasionally slide to the center, but the right more than the left.  

Cross-eyed kid

The doc said that this was caused either by overly tight eye muscles, which might require surgery, or by farsightedness. She put some drops into his eyes to relax the muscles, then used a retinoscope to shine a light in his eyes and take a look at the reflection off his retinas. She determined immediately that he is farsighted – severely in his right eye and moderately in his left. Farsightedness results from the eye being too short:   

The good news is that as he grows, his eyes will grow too, and the problem will hopefully reduce. However, since the right eye is so much worse than the left, it is unlikely to go away completely (if the right eye grows enough to correct the problem, then his left eye will likely be too big and become nearsighted).  

In the waiting room

Long story short, the boy has to wear glasses! If we did nothing, then eventually his brain would stop paying attention to the right eye – giving him a permanent lazy eye. She was able to determine the exact prescription for each eye by holding up lenses while using the retinoscope and seeing which one neutralized the refractive error.  

We pick up the glasses in a week or so. I’m to try to get him to wear them (ha!) for three days. If I fail, then I can take him back for some “magic drops” that will relax the muscles in his eyes and (I believe) blur his vision so that he has to wear the glasses to see.

We chose orange frames!

Apparently this issue is genetic, though we haven’t yet determined whether Goodlanders or Baths are to blame, since both Christian and I have perfect vision and there are no examples of farsightedness on either side that we know of. We wondered if it had anything to do with his torticollis/plagiocephaly, but she said not. 

I’m struggling a lot – as I did with the helmet – that my child is not “perfect” (he also failed a hearing test in his right ear the other week, so we go back in for follow up on that soon). I’m particularly unhappy that the glasses may be something that he needs forever. However. I’m trying my very best to count our blessings; He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s freakin’ adorable, and this is an issue that can be easily addressed. Plus, orange glasses are cool. 

Survival tips from the first year

Declan is now one year and a bit. He’s a ton of fun most of the time (some of the time he’s whiny and annoying and picky about food, but the fun times make up for all of that). He still only sleeps through the night occasionally and we’re definitely dealing with a nighttime-pacifier-addiction, but whatever. It’s handle-able (see #3 below).

I received a lot of advice while pregnant and during Declan’s first few months. Some advice was annoying, some might have been helpful but I wouldn’t know since I wasn’t in a place that I could hear it. However, a few tidbits were very valuable and will stick with me if I ever decide to be brave and have another baby, so I wanted to put them down on (virtual) paper and share them with you. So listen up (or don’t, see #6 below) – especially if you have not yet had a kid and think that you might in the future. Nothing will ever prepare you adequately for the chaos, but these tips might help. And thank you to the wonderful friends who shared these nuggets with me along with your reassuring stories.

  1. (While pregnant): spend your time napping, resting, watching Netflix, drinking tea, and generally sitting down and being lazy. Seriously, do it. I now have around 45 minutes to myself in the morning to get ready, pack lunch, tidy the kitchen from the previous night, and have a cup of tea. If I can manage to do it all and finish my tea before Declan wakes up, it is worthy of a small celebration. And that’s pretty much the only time I get to myself all day. Appreciate the opportunity to do nothing quietly while you have it.
  2. (While pregnant): Do not worry one tiny bit about labor. Worry about the weeks/months that come after labor and try not to worry about those too much, either, since there will be plenty of worry while they are happening. I cannot believe how much I stressed about the labor, and that was a mere blip in the roller coaster that was the first three months of Declan’s life. Labor will happen, it will hurt, you will bleed a lot, but then it will be over and you’ll have to deal with the nonstop seemingly-nonsensical whims of the tiny human that you just produced. Labor is nothing in comparison.
  3. Don’t expect that you will ever be well-rested again. Rather, expect that you will get used to functioning on much less sleep than before. It’s quite amazing how much I can now do on 2-3 hours of broken sleep. In my pre-kid days I thought that the baby would start sleeping through the night after a few months and everything would go back to normal. Not so. Nope. Apparently it’s a well-kept secret of parents everywhere that once you have kids you never sleep again. You just get used to it and increase your use of concealer and consumption of caffeine and wine accordingly.
  4. Teeth can play peek-a-boo for WEEKS before they finally emerge for good. Who knew that was a thing? I thought that once you saw swollen gums and felt the beginnings of a tooth that it would soon pop through and that would be that. Nope. Apparently teeth move forwards AND backwards. Declan’s top four teeth took seven weeks to fully commit to coming out. Seven. Some days we could feel them, some days we couldn’t. It was absurd. Now his molars are threatening to do the same thing. Teething sucks.
  5. If your baby goes to daycare, then get used to spending time at the doctor’s office. Colds, coughs, wheezing, ear infections, strange rashes, excessive screaming, vomiting, diarrhea, the works. Oh, and get used to catching half of the bugs, too. I’ve never had so many colds in one winter. But it’s all going to result in a strong immune system for the wee one, riiiiight?
  6. Don’t listen to the horror stories, don’t read the books if they are stressing you out, and most definitely do not Google things. Every experience is different. Your baby and your story are unique. Trust your instincts. Nothing I read in a book or online helped with Declan’s sleeping and the internet has never helped me determine whether or not a symptom needed a doctor visit. I trust a very small circle of people to give me advice when I ask for it (including the doctors, daycare ladies, and my sister), but mostly we muddle through by ourselves and I’ve somewhat learned to freak out less over every little thing.
  7. If you are kid-free and think you have a messy house – you don’t.
  8. If you plan to use disposable diapers – buy a diaper genie. They are brilliant.
  9. Don’t ever get comfortable. Just as you have one thing finally figured out, the next thing will jump up and hit you on the head. In the last six months we went from dealing with a helmet to nonstop ear infections to a terrible stomach bug to the beginnings of tantrums. There’s always something new.
  10. And finally, this one is just from me: Keep a stockpile of saltine crackers, Gatorade, Pedialyte, and soup in the house. You will thank me when the stomach bug hits the entire family and no one is capable of driving.

What advice stuck with you from the early days of parenthood?




A recipe for better bums

Declan has been suffering from bad diaper rash since his diet became more varied. So bad that it would bleed and he would scream and the usually-amazing Butt Paste did nothing. A friend’s friend sent along the following recipe for homemade diaper cream, which is awesome and magical and wonderful and worthy of a blog post so that others might share in the awe, magic, and wonder.

1 large tub Aquaphor (or store brand version)

1/3 bottle liquid antacid (Maalox or store brand equivalent) 

1/3 tube A&D ointment 

Mix together in a large bowl, pop into tupperwares, apply to sore bottoms everywhere.  

   The particularly amazing aspect of this concoction is that it easily spreads over other creams or ointments that you might be using (anti fungal or antibiotic – we’re using both) without having to wait for them to dry, which typical diaper creams do not. 

You’re welcome. 

Wisdom from the Eighth Month

Seven whole months ago I wrote the post “Wisdom from the First Month.” I cannot believe so much time has passed and how much better I am now at dealing with everything parenthood has to throw at us. I also cannot believe that my tiny baby is now a crawling, sitting, standing, cruising, drooling, teething, babbling, wriggling, shouting STRONG miniature human being. Here are some more tidbits of knowledge and advice I have gleaned from eight months with the droolmonster:

  • You get through those tough first few weeks (months) and it does get easier/better/happier. In hindsight, the rough period seemed to last no time at all, though I know it felt never-ending while I was in the midst of it.
  • Sleep is a rollercoaster. Declan started sleeping through the night at nine/ten weeks old. It was amazing. The world was a wonderful place to be and everything was shiny and happy. Then at four months he stopped. At five months he started doing well again with some major-sleep-training-effort from us, then seven months brought a helmet and a cold and teething and it all went to hell again. Celebrate the good nights for sure, but don’t get too comfortable…
  • Get used to being damp. We live in a damp world now: damp patches on the carpet, damp clothes, damp burp rags, damp blankets, damp furniture, damp baby. Don’t walk around the house without your slippers because the drool and/or spit up will get you. It’s EVERYWHERE.
  • Eight month old boys would rather eat board books than read them. 
  • Teething sucks. You can buy every teething product that Target has to offer (I did), but in the end a cuddle and some Tylenol might be the only things that help.
  • It’s better to have a daycare that cares about (and possibly overreacts to) every cold/cough/rash/long nap than one that doesn’t pay attention. Try to remember this the FIFTH time that you leave work to rush the baby to the doctor only to have him giggle and blow raspberries (the baby not the doctor) for the entire appointment like the healthiest child in the world.
  • Babies instantly know when there is a non-toy item potentially within their reach. You can cover the floor with exciting, colorful, noise-making baby toys, but the kid will bee-line for the single, hidden item that they are not to play with. This might be a remote, a cup of tea, a pile of DVDs, or an important document. If it is not designed for babies, they will find it. Potentially dangerous items are even more appealing. Babies can also hear a baby-gate open from any distance and will suddenly be able to move at approximately 40 mph to get through it before it closes.
  • Napping is a nightmare. I’m constantly aware of when Declan last napped, how long he napped for, when he next needs to nap, how long that nap should be, when he shouldn’t nap, and whether a nap was a good nap or not. I’ve spent a huge amount of time (and gas!) driving past my destination and around in circles to ensure adequate napping, and ALL outings are planned around naps. It would be nice if some of those naps were mine.
  • Babies can go from lying and barely rolling to crawling, sitting, standing, and cruising in just a couple of weeks, at which point… 
  • Some babies never, EVER stop moving. There is no such thing as cuddle time with Declan. I’m sure that he was a restless/cranky baby because he was frustrated with being immobile, and now that he CAN move, he doesn’t stop. Ever. A typical five minutes in Declan world goes: wriggle/crawl/roll/stand/bang/shout/cruise/chew/wallop/fall/crawl/headstand/giggle/roll/wriggle/bite/hit/crawl/stand/rattle/chew/fall/cry/crawl/yogapose/scream/roll/crawl/pound/stand/collapse/shout/crawl. As a result…
  • I am not capable of being a full-time mum. I don’t know how all of you do it. I work four days per week and have three-day weekends with the miniature man. Those three days are absolutely, completely, 100% exhausting and by Monday afternoon I am most definitely looking forward to going back to work to have a rest. They are a huge amount of fun, too, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t do it seven days a week every week. No way. Did I mention that he NEVER STOPS MOVING and BARELY NAPS? I’m tired just thinking about it.

Now I’m going to be one of those annoying gushy parents. Declan is amazing and funny and crazy and incredible and I can’t believe how lucky we are to have him. He is definitely the best thing to happen to me and to us. In those first few weeks I felt regret and fear and worried that we had ruined our happy lives by having a baby. We hadn’t. Thank goodness. Declan rocks.  


Plagiocephaly, aka Declander the Amazing Helmet Boy

Declan started wearing a helmet last Friday. We knew he had a wonky head – for the first four months of his life he always slept in the exact same position – but we were hoping he would grow out of it. I knew I was supposed to be doing something about it (wedging him to sleep on the other side somehow), but it was enough of a celebration just to get the kid to sleep that I couldn’t deal with anything else. At four months old he started rolling and would sleep in a variety of positions, but unfortunately the damage had been done. 

At his four month check-up the pediatrician said it wasn’t too bad and that we should just keep an eye on it. At six months, however, a different pediatrician said “hmmm. We should probably have a specialist take a look.” The specialist came from Salt Lake City and said that Declan had a moderate case of plagiocephaly (wonky head) due to slight torticollis (weak neck muscles on one side). Now that he’s holding his head up fine and sitting/rolling/crawling etc., it won’t get any worse, but it also probably won’t get any better. He has a very noticeable flat spot on the back right side and his right ear and right eye are pushed forward as a result.  

She said that we didn’t have to go with a helmet, but that if not, we would need to work hard to make sure he never rested his head on the flat spot again. Not while sleeping, napping, sitting, playing, anything. Otherwise his head would just continue to grow with the flat spot instead of correcting it. That situation sounded far too stressful (and I’d have to make sure the daycare ladies were doing it, too), so we decided to give the helmet a try. 

We first went for more precise measurements, and found that the flat spot side of his head was 19mm narrower than the other side. Then, we went for the “casting.” Until about a year ago, this was actual plaster casting and would have been horrendous for both of us, I’m sure. Now, thankfully, it just involves a silly hat, some stickers, and photographs of every angle of his head. Declan still hated it, but mostly because he had to sit in a Bumbo chair for the duration and he HATES Bumbo chairs.  

They used the photographs to build a 3D digital image of his head then, from this, created a foam mold of his head as it should be (which we got to keep!). This was used to create the helmet, which, since it is based on the corrected version of his head, has gaps where we want his skull to grow (the flat spot area) and light pressure where we do not want any more growth.

We then went for the helmet fitting, during which they adjusted the edges and added pads for comfort. Declan started wearing it initially for just an hour at a time (one hour on, one hour off) and then wore it gradually more and more each day until day five, when he started to wear it 23 hours a day. We go for check ups every week initially, then every 2-3 weeks. He’s likely to be wearing it for around 3-6 months. At the check ups they take measurements and adjust the helmet as needed. 

The first couple of days were tough. The helmet is really difficult to get on and off and Declan got mad. A couple of times I set it too tight, which made him extra mad for extra long. After a couple of days, however, I got better at putting it on and he seemed to stop noticing it was there. By day 3, he was happily napping in it and on day 4, he successfully slept through the night. (On day 5, he decided to start teething,  but that’s a story for another day.) 

I hate the fact that I can no longer kiss and snuggle his head in the same way, and I hate how sweaty his poor head gets when it’s warm, but otherwise it’s easy to forget it’s there. 

Fingers crossed for a non-deformed, non-wonky, beautifully-rounded head in record-breaking time. :) 


Thank you, all of you. 

One of the reasons I am struggling with motherhood is because I’m an extremely competitive person. To the point that if I cannot be the best at something, I don’t want to do it. If I can study to get better at something, I will. If it takes natural talent and I’m no good? I tend to give up. (Kind of like how Hermione was no good at flying and no amount of time in the library could help her). So I’m constantly annoyed that I can’t study to get better at being a mother. That I can’t get all the answers right and walk away with my A grade. And there’s certainly no chance that I can give up. 

I also have envy issues. Several friends have recently had babies. If their child didn’t spend any time in the NICU – I’m envious. If they post a photo of themselves with their baby and their eyes are NOT puffy and bloodshot from hours/days/weeks of crying – I’m envious. If their baby sleeps – I’m envious. Social media paints an incredibly rosy picture of motherhood. I mean, look at my own feed and you’d think Declan was a permanently happy baby and that I never spend Saturday mornings screaming that I cannot cope for one more minute before locking myself in the bedroom and making Christian entertain the kid all day. 

The one thing that gets me through? That helps me open the bedroom door and give Declan a cuddle? That helps me persevere with “aggressive sleep training” (my term) and will get me through whatever challenge is coming next? You lot. The people who comment on my blog and Facebook posts and, even more, the people who send me private messages and emails or call. Not to give me advice (I don’t want advice!), but to tell me your stories. Your crying in the NICU, your struggles with breastfeeding, your lack of sleep. The people who know that the oft-touted phrase “it gets better” is not the whole truth. Yes, it gets better, but then it gets worse then better then worse then better ad infinitum. You give me the reality that I desperately need, you remind me that I’m not alone. Thank you, all of you. Keep the stories coming. xxx  


Dealing with Daycare

I went back to work 14 weeks after giving birth and Declan went into daycare four days a week. I was fortunate that my employer was able to give me that much time off, even if it was unpaid. We are a very small organization and the loss of one full-time staff member means everyone else has to add even more work to their already-full plates. I am also lucky that they have agreed to let me come back four days a week.

I went back to work for two reasons. One, we need my salary. We can survive on Christian’s pay alone, but I don’t want to just survive. With my pay we can afford to do far more for Declan and can minimize the struggle. Two, it’s better for all of us for me to be working. I always suspected I might not be a very good stay-at-home mum, and I’m not. Being back at work has made me happier, more patient, and overall just a better person to be in Declan’s life. In an ideal world, I would be working 2 or 3 days a week instead of 4 for the same pay, but until that magical job opportunity comes along, I think we have a pretty good compromise.

I have had a lot of issues with daycare, however. The first place we picked we initially thought was wonderful. It is a commercial daycare with a relatively small number of children in each age group. It’s in the school district where we live, so Declan would grow up with friends that he would then go to school with. The manager I spoke to was great. After we started, though, I wasn’t happy. The manager had changed and I didn’t like the new one as much. Three staff members rotated through the baby & ‘wobbler’ room each day and it was very difficult to communicate Declan’s needs consistently to all of them (I had particular trouble with the middle-of-the-day woman, since we didn’t see her at pick up or drop off). I was never completely comfortable with their attitude. They made me feel like I was inconveniencing them when I had questions or wanted to make changes to how they were handling Declan. Christian didn’t feel the same way and thought I was imagining it, but the feeling wouldn’t go away. They also had a TV in every room and the kids seemed to spend a lot of time plonked in front of the screen. Even the little ones.

I looked at several other places, both commercial and home daycares, and couldn’t find any that I liked more or even as much, so we stuck it out.

Until today, when I found the older kids (2 and up, at least 15 of them, maybe more) unattended for over ten minutes. Some of the 1-year-olds were in there, too, being ‘watched’ by the older kids. There was only one staff member in charge of all of them and she was nowhere to be seen. When I then tried to talk to them again about Declan’s schedule, I got indifference. We are officially done.

I immediately went to visit one more daycare I hadn’t tried yet and (thankfully!) it seems wonderful. It is how I imagined daycare to be. Close to my office, very small number of kids, great toys and activities, no TVs, a curriculum for every age (including babies), a great ratio of kids-to-staff (not just the minimum required by the state), and staff that seem to care about the kids and my comfort level. So Declan is moving. I’m still going to struggle leaving him there every morning, I’m sure, but I feel really good about this place and hopefully things will be a little easier.

Here are some questions I now know to ask when picking a daycare:

  1. What is your child to staff ratio?
  2. How many staff members will be taking care of my child?
  3. Do you ever combine different age groups (for example at the beginning or end of the day)?
  4. What enrichment activities do you do? Do the children ever watch TV? What toys/activities do you have for my child’s age?
  5. Can you accommodate my child’s feeding/sleeping schedule?
  6. Can I call and/or visit during the day?
  7. What records do you keep of my child’s schedule, activities, and mood?

What else would you add?

Leaving your kid in the care of strangers is incredibly difficult. At the end of the day – as many of my friends have said – trust your gut.

Things I Never Said Before.

Declan has inspired me to utter many strange comments and questions. Most are directed at Christian, some are to Declan, and a couple are at daycare: 

  • Has he done his giant poop yet today? 
  • Where did I put the emergency nipple?
  • Is poop coming out the sides?
  • Baby vomit isn’t that gross. 
  • Baby pee on the wall is better than cat pee. 
  • Oh good, he farted. That means he’s still alive. 
  • It’s only vomit. I’ll brush it out. 
  • Yay! Poop!
  • Please try to make dinner without making a sound. 
  • Do you think we need to upgrade nipples?
  • Yay! Burp!
  • Was that a dry burp or a wet burp?
  • What color was his poop today? 
  • Can you come here and look at his penis?

I think we’ll leave it there.